Two weeks ago, we were talking about the process of growth and transformation a butterfly goes through, and how it mirrors the cycles of creation – the fall energy of releasing what no longer serves, the winter energy of the “fertile void”/the unknown, the spring energy of new beginnings and the summer energy of full expression.
It’s easy to then think once we’ve been through this cycle of growth and transformation that we’re done. We’ve “arrived”. We’re now the butterfly and somehow life will now be easy. Everything will flow. Every day will be full of magic and miracles. We’ll float around on a pink cloud, surrounded by sunshine and unicorns.
… but similar to the cycles of growth, our lives aren’t linear. They’re cyclic. We don’t grow and evolve in a linear process. We evolve through cycles. Through spirals of revisiting many of the same lessons over and over. Our life unfolding like a treasure hunt to deeper and more embodied expressions of who we really are.
Life continues to deliver us challenges that “invite” us into deeper and more embodied connection to ourselves and what our hearts are calling us to do. We aren’t meant to be static. We’re meant to be learning, growing, evolving… and in my experience, when I’m not listening, Life doesn’t quietly go away and say “never mind, she’s busy. We’ll catch up to her later”. When our soul is guiding us in a new direction, the messages don’t get quieter when we ignore them. They get louder and louder and louder until they finally are shouting so loud that we can’t ignore them. We get stopped in our tracks by health issues, financial issues, relationship issues, job/career issues … the list goes on and on but you get the idea.
Six years ago I made the really scary decision to leave my practice with no real plan other than “I trust in my connection to Source and in my own resourcefulness, and I’ll figure it out”. Honestly, I didn’t have much choice because I felt so awful. So dead inside that it was beginning to come down to whether I was going to leave my practice or leave the planet… so I chose life. I chose to trust. I chose to step into the mystery of the unknown and trust that I’d be guided along the way.
I can honestly say, not a single part of this journey has been linear, certain or predictable. It’s been a deep immersion in the feminine mysteries of the creative cycle – releasing what no longer serves, being in the fertile void of the liminal space/the unknown/the uncertain/the dark and from that place tapping into my inner wisdom and connection to Source to begin to notice the threads. The little “pings” in my body where I get this sense I’m being guided to do something even though it may not make any logical sense… and it’s only later as I look back at the beautiful tapestry of interwoven threads that I can see the bigger picture of where Life has been guiding me.
My unfolding journey with my “inner wisdom” business has definitely followed these spirals of growth. I grew up very “type A” and am someone who loves to have a plan! I like certainty. I like clearly defined paths. I like to know where I’m going and how I’m going to get there… and yet none of my unfolding journey over the past 6 years has happened through “figuring it out” in advance. Through planning, certainty or a clear linear path.
Instead it has evolved as a series of spirals. Iterative cycles of unfolding. Each building on the previous. Some things have been “successful”. Others not at all. Still others work well for a while… until they don’t and it becomes clear that it’s time for them to be released.
What I’m learning in this process is the importance of allowing myself to “be in the mystery” and see my soul’s path as a beautiful unfolding process. A quiet evolution happening over time as my evolving little business mirrors back to me my own unfolding process of growth and transformation.
This is particularly foreground for me now as I prepare to release the menopause chapter and allow myself to be in the mystery of what wants to come next.
I’ve been reflecting back on my growth over the past 6 years since burning out in Aug 2020. When I first made the decision to leave my practice, I needed to release who I thought I was – a busy family practice and maternity physician – and allow myself to enter the “fertile void”. The place of not knowing, where all possibilities exist. It was REALLY uncomfortable! I like having a plan and I felt so lost … but I was guided to part time clinical work to pay the bills and allowed myself to be in the mystery of what would come next. Over the next year or so, I could feel myself being guided to take action. Through a MASSIVE amount of nausea, I created my first group visit Connecting in Community as well as a self paced online version called Reclaiming our Power, Reclaiming Ourselves. With the help of my husband, I built a website and put myself out into the world as a doctor who loved to talk about transformation and growth, and how “coming home” to ourselves in body, mind and spirit allowed us to connect to our inner wisdom to guide us through the challenges of life.
I took action even and especially when the fear of doing so made me want to vomit… and in the process, I could feel that butterfly energy emerging. The lightness of being that comes from feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Of showing up for myself even and especially when it’s hard.
By a year or so later, I was feeling a lot better and naively thought I was “healed” from burnout. I started falling back into old patterns of taking on too much and working too hard. This increased stress met with the last cough of my ovaries… and it wasn’t pretty! Within a few months, I was waking up all night with hot flashes, sleeping for 20min at a time, and was so anxious I was practically vibrating!
… and so began the next spiral of growth, where life was “inviting” me back into the chrysallis to dissolve into “caterpillar soup”. To let go of the overgiving. To listen to my body and take care of my own needs. To “come home” to myself and live my life according to my values and priorities instead of constantly running around looking after everyone else.
Ironically, one of the things that really helped me was creating courses, talks and workshops to help other women. We teach best what we most need to learn, and as I was creating my various offerings to help other women, I was teaching myself what I most needed to learn. It also helped me feel more confident. More resilient. More ME.
By the spring of last year, I could feel I was through the most intense part of this transition, and began to feel that Life was inviting me into the next spiral of growth. To release the menopause chapter and enter the fertile void of what would come next. I resisted. I had spent so much time creating Empowered Menopause, I didn’t want to “give it up” so I took a break for the summer then doubled down on my efforts to promote the fall series. I sent out posters all over Vancouver Island, ran an ad on social media, advertised it through my newsletter … and two women signed up. My lowest registration for any group I’ve ever offered.
At first I felt disappointed. That this was somehow a “failure” … and then I reminded myself that “the energy doesn’t lie”. I had known since the spring that it was time to release the menopause chapter, but I was resisting. I was clinging to the known. The familiar. To what I’d already created rather than allowing myself to release and enter the void. The unknown. The liminal space. The place where nothing is certain, and where all possibilities exist.
I spent a lot of time sitting with my inner wise woman asking her what would be the most loving way to close the menopause chapter. She’s guided me to offer Empowered Menopause one last time, as a single small group session, on Thursday, Oct 22, for the two wonderful women who said “yes” and signed up. If you’re a BC resident and interested in joining us for a small group discussion about the challenges of the menopause transition and what we can learn about ourselves as we make our way through it, we’d be delighted to have you there 🥰
As I enter the unknown for the third time since leaving my practice, I’m noticing it’s different now. It doesn’t feel as scary. I’m definitely more emotional lately … and instead of resisting it, I’m leaning into it. I can feel myself moving into the dark in a similar way to crawling into a cozy bed when I’m really tired. I’ve been so externally focused for so long that it feels soft and gentle to be shifting my focus inwards. I’ll still be working part time, writing to you through these newsletters and doing the things that need to be done to function on the planet… and I’m taking a break from going the extra mile. Of pushing. Striving. Pleasing. Focusing the majority of my energy outward. Instead, I’ll be turning inwards and listening even deeper to what my inner wise woman has to say. Moving into the fertile void. The liminal space. The unknown. Sitting in the discomfort of not having a plan, and instead allowing the mystery of my life to unfold.
What about you? What chapter of your life are you ready to release? Where are you being called into the fertile void? Where do you need to release certainty in favour of opening to new possibilities?
This is the perfect time of year to “be the mystery” – to carve out time to be with yourself in quiet contemplation. Listening to the quiet whisper of your heart. Our world is very noisy! It’s not easy to turn away from all the craziness in our lives and our world and turn inward … and it’s worth it. We can do this. Together.
Sending you all so much love,
See you in two weeks,
Shana
* I understand that these newsletters and audio messages offered by Dr. Shana Johnston are designed to help me tap into my own inner wisdom and find my own answers. I understand the information presented by Dr. Johnston is based on a combination of her personal experience and current medical knowledge in a constantly evolving field where a variety of different opinions exist. I understand that the ideas and information presented should not act as a substitute for the individualized advice of my qualified and licensed healthcare practitioner. In reading/listening to the material presented, I agree to accept full responsibility for my interpretation of any content I consume, and thereby release Dr. Shana Johnston from any liability related to the information and ideas presented in any of her offerings.