I had a really great conversation with a lovely young woman the other day in clinic. She’d given birth by c-section after a long challenging labour, and in addition to recovering and becoming a new mom there were several other things life had thrown at her. She was having a really rough time and her body was shouting at her through some worrisome physical symptoms.
I did the usual medical things, and ultimately the “diagnosis” was that she was stressed and overtired, and her body was shouting for her attention, begging for her to rest. As we continued our conversation, she commented on the voice in her head that was telling her to try harder, that she somehow wasn’t doing enough, and that when she took a few minutes to herself to have a shower and do her own self care, the voice was telling her she “should” be with her baby.
We ended up getting into this really great conversation about how that voice that tells us to push harder, to do all the “right” things, to be everything to everyone is the voice of patriarchy – gaslighting us into thinking that if we’re not spending 120% of our energy on looking after everyone else, we’re doing something wrong. And if we DARE do something for ourselves, that voice gets even louder, berating us for having the gaul to do something for ourselves. We went on to liken it to those cartoons with the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. The “devil” being the voice of patriarchy – reminding us that our JOB as women is to take care of everyone else and put our own needs last. That’s what “good girls” do. And that if we have the audacity to take time out for ourselves, we’re being selfish and self-absorbed.
We talked about how the devil-gaslighting-voice-of-patriarchy voice has a balancing force. It’s just really hard to hear. That voice of the angel – the maternal, loving, accepting, voice that feels like a warm hug – which whispers reassuringly in our ear “Self care is an act of rebellion against the patriarchy. It is not a luxury. It’s a quiet resistance that leads to much needed culture change. Even if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for our daughters and grandaughters, the young women of the future.”
As a society, we’ve been fed a lie, and we’ve collectively bought into it. It’s time to change the cultural narrative where women sacrifice themselves in service to everyone around them. It’s not true.
In my experience the exact opposite is true. When I burnt out and left my practice 5 years ago, I was spending the majority of my time caring for everyone around me – supporting my family financially, caring for my patients, working long unpaid hours dealing with the mountain of administrative work that comes with having a practice, being a mom, a wife… I was running all the time, and looking after myself last. That’s why I burnt out. We can’t pour from an empty cup. I was doing very little to care for myself, and the cup was empty.
It’s been a multi-year process of challenging that voice and CHOOSING to prioritize myself – my self care, moving my body, processing my emotions, doing things that bring me joy and nurturing my spirit. It hasn’t been easy… and it’s been worth it! I’ve learned to challenge that devil-patriarchy voice and instead cultivate my relationship with my inner wise woman – that beautiful angel that whispers messages of love and reassurance when life gets hard or when i fall back into old patterns. As I listen to her more and more, and follow her guidance, my life is SOOOO much better. It’s not like it’s all rainbows and unicorns (I am still human and a work in progress) … and I’ve made some HUGE strides, and it shows. My relationships are better, I’m enjoying my work much more, I’m doing more things that bring me joy… and I have SO much more to give because now because I’m giving from a place where my cup is overflowing and I can give from the overflow as opposed to 5 years ago when I was trying to pour from an empty cup.
So, if you are hearing that patriarchy-devil voice berating you or telling you some bullsh*t message that you “should” be doing something that you know, deep down, is not in alignment with your greatest good… PLEASE question it and instead think of what a loving, embodied woman – a matriarch, wise woman, elder – would say to you. You might even get out your journal and allow her voice to come through that way. You could visualize a woman who inspires you and imagine her on your left (feminine) shoulder whispering messages of love, reassurance, ease, grace, joy, fullness, aliveness.
… and if it’s hard to do this, that’s okay too. You’ve had a lifetime of practice honing your ability to listen to the “devil” voice so he’s likely pretty loud by now… and I know that the angel/wise woman/matriarch on your left shoulder is there. Her voice might be really faint, but it’s there. I promise you. I encourage you to listen for her. Over and over. The more you practice tuning into her, the more she’ll be able to speak to you. And from my experience, it’s totally worth the effort!
Sending you so much love sister,
Until next week,
Shana