This is my fourth attempt at the newsletter for this week. My writing has been heading off in all different directions, and I’ve come to the conclusion it’s because I’m in the “caterpillar soup”. After multiple unsuccessful attempts over the past couple of weeks, I can feel that I’m more settled in my body today, and am hoping to be able to write more coherently.
As I mentioned two weeks ago, I’m entering a new spiral of growth. Releasing the menopause chapter and moving into the unknown, not knowing what will come next… and I was all over it! The prospect of slowing down, sitting with a cup of tea and my journal and allowing myself to be in the “fertile void” sounded so delicious. So restful. So lovely.
… yeah, well, turns out I’m still very much a student of this process, not a master! This past couple of weeks I’ve been SO busy! I happened to have a couple of weeks where I had almost no clinic work, and had imagined myself having long, luxurious days to be with myself and my inner world. Turns out my conditioned patterns are still very strong, and dissolving into ‘caterpillar soup’ is still a very uncomfortable process!
Similar to many of us, busy-ness is a deeply engrained habit, and one that does not seem to want to be released! I was so excited about this two week period with almost no clinical work… and what did I do?!? Filled it up with courses, appointments, meetings and all the other things I decided I’d be able to do because I was going to have “so much time”. OMG! I’m my own worst enemy!
What I’m seeing increasingly clearly is how I keep myself busy for a few reasons:
1) I have been taught, from a very young age, that my value comes from working hard. I find it hard to slow down, rest and take time for myself because my subconscious mind interprets these actions as “lazy” and “useless” which means I have no value. My conscious mind knows this is a load of crap, but it doesn’t change my subconscious operating system from doing what it can to make sure I “matter” through keeping me busy. Sigh.
2) As a woman, I have been taught to focus the majority of my attention on other people. Making sure everyone around me is okay, and putting my own needs last. My subconscious programming interprets taking time for myself as “selfish” and “indulgent” and keeps me busy doing things for other people to make sure I continue to have value. Again, my conscious mind knows better… and my programming runs deep!
3) Slowing down and going inward is VERY uncomfortable. I’ve got 50+ years of grief to process from a lifetime of striving, pleasing and overgiving. Sitting with myself and really feeling the depth of this grief is really f***ing uncomfortable! I’ve been going through a LOT of kleenex this fall in the moments I have slowed down long enough to begin to feel the depth of emotion that is still there to be processed. It’s been like PMS on steroids! So much fun. NOT!
I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on what it means to be in the “caterpillar soup”. For me, it’s almost as though my conditioned patterns become amplified. As if Life is intentionally making them really “loud” energetically to shine a bright light on them, in an effort to help me release them. This past couple of weeks has been insane! So much for a couple of weeks of “down time”!!! Okay, Life! I get it! I need to slow down!
The other thing I’ve been reflecting on lately, as I swim around in the “caterpillar soup” is this concept that we’ve been talking about with the release of fall and the composting of winter, and how important they are in planting the seeds for our next cycle of growth.
Last week I ran my last menopause group with the two wonderful women I was telling you about in my last newsletter. It was SUCH a gorgeous way to close this chapter! It was a far smaller group than I’ve ever had before, and it was probably my favourite. With only three of us there, we were able to have such a deep, rich, heart centered conversation about the challenges of the menopause transition, and I left with my heart full. From a beautiful evening with these two women, but also from all the women I’ve met over the past 4 years doing my group visits. Initially my Connecting in Community 7 week series and later my menopause groups.
Earlier in the week, another one of my conditioned patterns which I’ve been able to quiet down quite a bit in recent years, came back with a force. That internalized voice of the patriarchy which we talked about in Whose Voice do you Choose? returned to challenge me on what I had “accomplished”. The voice pointed out how much time and energy I’ve invested in my little heart centered business over the past 4 years … and what do I have to show for it?!?!
Fortunately, I’ve done a lot of work with this voice over the years, so its sting was less intense than in the past … but it still hurt. So, I sat in my sacred space with my box of kleenex and let the tears flow as I let myself feel the disappointment of the gap between what I thought I’d be able to “accomplish” and my current reality.
Then a cool thing happened, by letting myself REALLY feel the waves of emotion that needed to move through me, a lightness of being with renewed clarity was waiting on the other side. A lot of these big emotions were building as the date of my last group approached. Then, after a wonderful evening with these two lovely women, the disappointment shifted to deep, deep gratitude. Gratitude to all the women who’ve joined me on this adventure. Who showed up and said yes. Who journeyed with me as I stumbled my way through all the challenges and growing edges that come with doing our soul’s work. And gratitude towards myself for feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Over and over.
The morning after I ran my last group, I sat down in front of my computer and looked at my website with new eyes. Instead of seeing a lot of it as something I was “shutting down” because it “didn’t work out”, I looked deeper and could see what was ready to be harvested, and what was ready to be released. I looked at the webpages for each of my courses. At how bland they were because I’d got AI to help me write them. They felt so generic. So shallow. At the time I’d created the pages, I thought the way AI wrote about my courses sounded so much more “polished” than anything I could write… but that’s not me! I’m not polished. I’m human. I am here to share from my heart. I don’t want to show up as perfect. I want to show up as myself. Real. Honest. Human.
So, I decided to update my website with more of ME on it. I recorded a 2-3 min video for each of my four self paced online courses to tell the viewer about the energy of the course, what was going on for me when I created it as well as a high level overview of what the course is about. I got rid of everything AI had written and instead wrote a short little blurb from my heart. For the Empowered Menopause page, I gathered some of my favourite creations from the “menopause chapter” and recorded a 4min video with a message from my heart that can live on into the future even though I’m no longer running my groups.
What’s been cool is how this fits so beautifully with our theme about fall/winter energy. In being willing to release what is no longer working, I’ve been able to harvest the energy of what I’ve already created, and use it to plant the seeds for my next cycle of growth.
The most important thing I am harvesting from the last 4 years is this COMMUNITY. Many of you are in my life because you’ve attended or been interested in one of my offerings over the past few years. I’ve had the pleasure of working with many of you in one of my groups and, more recently, have started meeting some of you in clinic when doing part time clinical work.
No matter how you came to be in this community, I want you to know how much I love you and appreciate you. I wouldn’t be able to do this without you. You are the foundation for what will come next. I don’t know what that will look like, but I do feel a strong calling to both speaking and writing, so it’ll likely involve one or both of those.
The butterfly of my next spiral of growth is still a long way away, but in the darkness, I can feel the imaginal cells beginning to come together. I see speaking engagements. I see a book. I see getting to share from my heart about how to connect to our inner wisdom by coming home to ourselves in body, mind and spirit. And for now, I accept that I am in the “caterpillar soup” and will continue writing to you in real time as the journey unfolds.
What about you? Where are you getting caught up in old patterns? Where is busy-ness distracting you from going within? What has the internalized voice of the patriarchy been snarling at you lately? What are you ready to release to make room for what will come next?
In this season of Samhain (aka “the witches new year”) – as we enter into the darkest time of the year – this is a potent time of year to go inward. To take the long journey from your head to your heart, so you can hear the sweet, quiet whisper of your soul. Patriarchy knows what a potent time of year this is, which is why so much of it has been vilified.
Letting go of what is ready to be released and opening ourselves to the unknown can be really scary. We’ve been taught to fear the dark… and yet this is the womb of creation. Where there is no certainty… and where all POSSIBILITIES exist! I’m reminding myself as much as I’m reminding you. I know what a potent time of year this is, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy … and I do know we are stronger together! We can do this! I believe in us!
As always, sending you so much love,
See you in two weeks,
Shana
* I understand that these newsletters and audio messages offered by Dr. Shana Johnston are designed to help me tap into my own inner wisdom and find my own answers. I understand the information presented by Dr. Johnston is based on a combination of her personal experience and current medical knowledge in a constantly evolving field where a variety of different opinions exist. I understand that the ideas and information presented should not act as a substitute for the individualized advice of my qualified and licensed healthcare practitioner. In reading/listening to the material presented, I agree to accept full responsibility for my interpretation of any content I consume, and thereby release Dr. Shana Johnston from any liability related to the information and ideas presented in any of her offerings.